Finding Myself Re-Post

SATURDAY, MAY 9, 2009

Finding Myself

I remember the day that I found out that I was pregnant with our first son, Sebastian.  I was twenty two years old....  No one could have prepared me for the shock I received when that little stick turned pink.  I remember telling Anthony that night when he got home from work. I remember him laughing, and me joining him. Nerves, I guess. I remember watching my belly grow thoughout the remaining months of my pregnancy and wondering if my life would ever be the same.  The day Sebastian was born was a pivotal moment in my life. In an instant I was propelled into a life long commitment to both he and I. The commitment to love and support him with every ounce of my being. To regard him as the most precious and most important of all living things. My beautiful son, alive, healthy, mine. 

As parents, we were young. We brought Sebastian home to a one bedroom apartment in a sleepy beach town.  I cared for him with every last drop of energy that I had. Anthony worked long, long days. Days that seemed to never end.  Gone before our boy would wake, home after his head lay rested.  One day at a time, my baby and I made it though. As he grew, I grew... As he began to change, I began to change.... We evolved, we gained momentum moving forward. We were an unstoppable force. Sebastian and I against the world.  Being his mother made me feel like I could do anything.  For the first time in my life, I was accountable for my actions, proud of my accomplishments, and fearless in love.  He made me feel things I had never felt before and gave me a life worth living.

We are better for our struggle.

Our secret camaraderie continues. Sebastian and I  are the best of friends, allies above all else.

He supports me.

I am, and always will be in support of him.

Sebastian made me who I am today.

I gave him life, and he gave me the life I always wanted...

Our second son Brooklyn was born some three and a half years after Sebastian came into our lives. Brooklyn came to us at a time in our lives where we were much more prepared for a child, and at a time when I felt that I could mother above all else. It seemed for me that the role of ones mother was already broken in, tested and tested again. We were thrilled with his arrival.  What Brooklyn did for our little family of three is so far beyond words. He united us, made us feel like a true family and reminded us of how very lucky we are to have one another. Sebastian had been given a brother, and I was given the opportunity to be the mother to yet another child. Once again, I felt invincible, strong and powerful.  I had two children, and my head was not only above water, I was thriving.  With my babies by my side, the future had never been brighter. I could see more clearly what it was that I want for the both of them, as well as myself. I imagined the beauty of our lives together...

As they grow, I grow.

We stretch, we bend. Flexibility is key.

We love above all else.

Today, I stand a changed woman, made better by her children. A woman who takes each day, one at a time, for exactly what it is. There are days filled with big moments, but many more filled with the small moments. Moments that can change a girls life without her even knowing it. Forcing her to love on levels that she could not have imagined possible. Days that would test her and push her to her breaking point, only to wake the next morning, happy to do it all again.  There are extreme highs and sometimes extreme lows... Most of it falls somewhere in between. A hazy love filled center of the divide where love and admiration carry you through, cushioning you and protecting you along the way. The little moments... Too many to be counted. The real reward for a mothers job well done.

As Sebastian and Brooklyn's giver of life, mother, friend, housekeeper, support councilor, nurse, chef, chauffeur,cheerleader, coach and referee... I will gladly be paid in smiles and hugs for the remainder of my servitude.

Without you I am a mere shadow of myself.

Thank you for the opportunity to fulfill myself through you.

I love you both endlessly. 

Happy Mothers Day.... to me.